Mommy's Got The Holiday Blues

Are you having trouble drumming up that holiday spirit? How is it possible to love the holidays and yet every year struggle to stay joyful? Are my expectations too high? Am I trying to fulfill visions of sugarplums that danced in my head as child? Am I too tired to be jolly, too stressed or is the economy getting me down? I can’t blame SAD we live in Florida, no lack of sunlight here.

Before I had my son, I used to think that the reason I was sad around the holidays was because I did not yet have a family to share them with. I used to think having children would make the season more complete. When I remembered my holidays as a child, so many traditions centered around the children. I wanted to have that as an adult. The decorations that somehow made it from year to year without breaking. The Christmas breakfast we ate at mid-morning after opening gifts. The yearly game of hide and seek my parents played with the gifts around the house. Watching annual holiday TV shows together, reciting the script that we knew by heart.

It’s ironic that the one thing I wished for every Christmas since I was a young woman, I now have and it’s still not enough. In fact, it’s a more profound sadness than ever.
Now what I struggle with during this holiday and every holiday since my son was born is balancing the tremendous joy I feel watching him create memories, with the sadness I feel knowing that time is passing by.

I look forward to the holidays and then start to dread each passing day as they come closer. Pretending if I don’t spend too much time thinking and planing, maybe I can delay the event altogether. Because if not, then it’s here and it’s over and we never get that year back.
But of course it doesn’t work, the 24 hr time capsule still arrives and after the day has passed, all I have is sadness.

Motherhood is often wrought with a melancholy that lies beneath the surface at all times. We can’t show it or talk about, because we are the enablers of seasonal celebrations. We are in charge of instilling the magic memories in our children’s hearts and minds, while fighting back tears watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” every year.

Starting now, this year I plan to really enjoy the whole season and not just focus on the one day. I think that may be the key for me. Plan to do small things a few times a week to celebrate the season. Maybe one day have a cookie baking bash and on another create a special handmade decoration for the tree each year. There aren’t any outdoor tree farms or hayrides in my area to visit, so I think perhaps we will have a day decorating one of the trees in our yard just for the birds. We can string popcorn and hang Spanish moss. The squirrels would probably like some pinecones dipped in peanut butter, if we choose a cool day, maybe they won’t melt.

As I’ve learned with everything I try to avoid in life, just focusing on what saddens me or frightens me, only makes the feelings more intense. Do I want time to stand still? Yes, yes I do! Intellectually of course I want my son to grow up and live his life. Emotionally, I want each day back to live again. I want him to always be my little boy to hold and cherish, but worrying about the inevitable is only robbing me of the memories we can create now that will give me comfort in the future. Not to mention, I don’t want my son to spend his childhood holidays with “sad” mommy.

I found a great post over at Live Learn Knit. Amy has written about a book that helped her put the holidays in perspective!

I know that some of you have very valid reasons to be sad this holiday and I hope you are seeking professional support.
If it’s a case of mild holiday blues, these websites may be able to help:

The Mayo Clinic- Holiday Blues
Web MD - Holiday Stress